Autumn

The dead leaves swept away, but the leaves were still beautiful

I was sure that our end was very near

old letters stacked in my closet,

harsh phrases laid on thy bosom

never understood why you still were here?

my mouth was a bullet and the words fell flat

with the dying leaves of September,

our love perished with the fall.

The breeze flowing at a gnawing distance;

separated by miles but fastened to grief

trying to savour that which was already gone

lying to one other to balance one more day before it is dawn.

I know like me you did reminisce the tuft of reddish brown leaves

the colour of our love was so unique

but both of us turning our backs to the sand clock that’s laughing in it’s own

every season has its death, but did we ever wanted to grow old?

gravity had other plans and I suppose it wanted us to know

how abundant our veins could grow from its rotten roots

to what places our souls could wander when they’re independent

how withered our hearts are but still can be called pretty.

The unknown song of change hit me hard

and although I know I broke your heart

my darling, just know, I couldn’t just help it

with the seasons that passed,

my passion too had found an old road

I wouldn’t destroy myself anymore.

So I went back to the person who loved me

before summer struck the shore and the pattern of my mind was all transparent like the waves

when the vivid sky didn’t have the cotton candy clouds or the flowers weren’t at their best,

I carried my soul to the person

who never drew margins around my heart

he knew quite well that I would leave him too,

like the withered leaves before winter, our love would fade too

but still for one moment, he didn’t miss the chance to call me Beautiful.

Feeling okay? Oh yeah, thanks

And I wanted someone, absolutely anyone to hear my cries beneath the smile I have plastered on my face. To ask me how am I feeling? How many tears do I hide within? How much grief is bottled up in my chest and how many sleepless nights have my eyes endured?

I kept believing that there existed an outlet to worries and chaos or that there was a silver lining at all. Now when I close my eyes, the picture of death does baffle me to think that the journey isn’t a downhill process. Or that some part of me truly needs to rest. I dont have any friend or anyone I would be able to narrate the emotions and pain that go through my brain, little did I imagine that this is how all of it would end?

And I am sorry for not letting some of you in. The barriers I set high are facades to an empire which is built with sands rolling between the crevices of my soul so you never needed permission but you still let me go.

Don’t you please tell me that you were there all the time by my side,

with the Sun setting and the darkness approaching, I couldn’t find a soul who wanted to at least try.

Little too late.

And I then realised how many people would matter to me when they cease to exist.

I thought I would overcome it within a fraction of seconds since she was old and had lived a long life with her last days with us. The funeral happened at 1:00 AM and I saw her with her eyes closed and peace unleashed on her face as if she was knocking on heaven’s door. It didn’t dawn on me until then that a part of my life was scraped with an axe and my heart with all its wounds held tightly together, frozen and scarred was cracked open to overflow through all its bends.

Sometimes the grief is so strong, intense and the amplitude is too large to pour it down your eyes. You just sit there waiting patiently for the day to bleed into the night, hoping that you can start living like before but you just can’t seem to try. I didn’t know since then what had happened to me that the air tasted different and the rustling of leaves was heavier like a storm had arrived without me knowing the roots of its origin.

I dont remember when was the last time we spoke and I dont recall a single moment when we talked about death and how she would feel afterlife. Every now and then while I visited her I let her rest not wanting to disturb the equilibrium of her medicines that helped her sleep. Now all I want is to have another chance. Even a bleak one would do.

To tell her that I love her. To tell her that she mattered. To tell her that she was the best grandmother the world could ever offer. To tell her that all though I shouted at her most times, I didn’t mean any of them. To say, goodbye.

But words…how little they mean, when you’re a little too late.

Wings

Sunlight comes creeping in, illuminating our skin

This letter is for you to read and know,

even though you may think, you’re definitely not alone.

I wish the breeze could carry my voice,

the rustling of leaves would give you a hint

that I, my friend too, do not feel fine.

you fake a smile and watch the day go by,

but tell me, oh darling…

isn’t it amazing that you still try to fly?

the voices around you echo their misery,

every night you silently cry, trying to hold on to dear life

for you still believe the Sun shall rise

and like every tide, darkness will soon demise.

Hear me when I say,

this pain is just a game

teaching you the course of life and death

or that parables of joy are on its way

to strike your heart even more

when you realise it’s worth

is taller than gold as a whole.

And fear not of the doubters, I suggest

they don’t really hate you, rather themselves

for not taking a flight when it was their time

eventually burying their dreams alive.

The warrior breaks down but never fades away

With the silhouettes that crossed thy road, I wished to solidify my power as the fallen one. The one which was defeated and died only to slowly rise like the Phoenix from the ashes tossed into emptiness in the face of the crimson moon which draped the satisfaction that I succumbed to my injuries. Little did they blink to know that the story wasn’t over because I did not die. The grave was blank and I was free.
Stronger than I ever was, this time I knew my enemies.
~excerpt from the book I’ll never write.

Until the Levee

My psyche was diverse to fit in the pages

Every time I write some lines, I feel something missing

the days are sunken and empty but that’s not what I’m reminiscing

how do I come out the surface & save my soul?

no words can explain how broken I’m to the core

The blazing Sun shines everyday, light meets the pool

I’m underwater, the creases of life turning me old

light is what I dont wanna touch, my hands frozen and my heart is cold

not wanting to heal, I stop to unfollow the rules of hope

maybe I know how to swim but little do I try to float

the birds I see are heading somewhere

after the sunset, everyone knows where to go

I’d rather live in shadows than find a place to call my home.

the water is drowning my senses,

would it be easier if I try not to escape?

ounces of tears sink me deeper than the depth

my breath slowly starts to fade, I know I’m closer to death.

my lungs start exploding, a part of me wants to be saved

The Sun goes down, I know my soul needs to rest.

I dont try to swim, I give up to my doomed end

but if death was all I wished for

why am I still holding my breath?

The Climb

The path to the top is tougher than I thought,

the chains which clasp my knees are stronger than they seem

people I knew who would always stand by me

surprise me everytime when I look back

my shadow is the only friend who never bestowed a pact.

lights grow dim, silence is the only noise I hear

where am I headed? Is it too far or somewhere near?

one more step, I think

I see my dreams fading with each blink.

Same old love

Winter stuck to my soul, spring never arrived and I knew I had lost you.

Once again the heart breaks,

leaving colossal tears down the eyes, barren land in my chest.

as a wanderer, I keep searching for a home, bruises on my body

discovering monsters that dwell on the ocean of love, haunting the river bed

this one too failed, the summer was short lived

winter arrived, unwanted and swift, I knew again…

this one too failed.

a thousand miles I have walked alone, no heartbreak did stop me before

giving the courage to strangers to hurt me much more.

fake promised & vows of eternity weren’t new,

men left my place, my colours were of diverse hues.

they’d say I found a unique part of myself everytime they left

but my soul is tired now,

dont we all want someone to love us evermore?

this heartbreak sealed the door to my happiness,

cursed as I felt, I did not want to begin again.

as each day passed, I curled into a shell

not wanting to feel something, I decided to let feelings reflect

I dont know if I’d survive again, but something’s for sure

I’m scared to be whole this time,

to only be shattered into pieces by the one I thought was mine.

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