Feeling okay? Oh yeah, thanks

And I wanted someone, absolutely anyone to hear my cries beneath the smile I have plastered on my face. To ask me how am I feeling? How many tears do I hide within? How much grief is bottled up in my chest and how many sleepless nights have my eyes endured?

I kept believing that there existed an outlet to worries and chaos or that there was a silver lining at all. Now when I close my eyes, the picture of death does baffle me to think that the journey isn’t a downhill process. Or that some part of me truly needs to rest. I dont have any friend or anyone I would be able to narrate the emotions and pain that go through my brain, little did I imagine that this is how all of it would end?

And I am sorry for not letting some of you in. The barriers I set high are facades to an empire which is built with sands rolling between the crevices of my soul so you never needed permission but you still let me go.

Don’t you please tell me that you were there all the time by my side,

with the Sun setting and the darkness approaching, I couldn’t find a soul who wanted to at least try.

Little too late.

And I then realised how many people would matter to me when they cease to exist.

I thought I would overcome it within a fraction of seconds since she was old and had lived a long life with her last days with us. The funeral happened at 1:00 AM and I saw her with her eyes closed and peace unleashed on her face as if she was knocking on heaven’s door. It didn’t dawn on me until then that a part of my life was scraped with an axe and my heart with all its wounds held tightly together, frozen and scarred was cracked open to overflow through all its bends.

Sometimes the grief is so strong, intense and the amplitude is too large to pour it down your eyes. You just sit there waiting patiently for the day to bleed into the night, hoping that you can start living like before but you just can’t seem to try. I didn’t know since then what had happened to me that the air tasted different and the rustling of leaves was heavier like a storm had arrived without me knowing the roots of its origin.

I dont remember when was the last time we spoke and I dont recall a single moment when we talked about death and how she would feel afterlife. Every now and then while I visited her I let her rest not wanting to disturb the equilibrium of her medicines that helped her sleep. Now all I want is to have another chance. Even a bleak one would do.

To tell her that I love her. To tell her that she mattered. To tell her that she was the best grandmother the world could ever offer. To tell her that all though I shouted at her most times, I didn’t mean any of them. To say, goodbye.

But words…how little they mean, when you’re a little too late.

Wings

Sunlight comes creeping in, illuminating our skin

This letter is for you to read and know,

even though you may think, you’re definitely not alone.

I wish the breeze could carry my voice,

the rustling of leaves would give you a hint

that I, my friend too, do not feel fine.

you fake a smile and watch the day go by,

but tell me, oh darling…

isn’t it amazing that you still try to fly?

the voices around you echo their misery,

every night you silently cry, trying to hold on to dear life

for you still believe the Sun shall rise

and like every tide, darkness will soon demise.

Hear me when I say,

this pain is just a game

teaching you the course of life and death

or that parables of joy are on its way

to strike your heart even more

when you realise it’s worth

is taller than gold as a whole.

And fear not of the doubters, I suggest

they don’t really hate you, rather themselves

for not taking a flight when it was their time

eventually burying their dreams alive.

The warrior breaks down but never fades away

With the silhouettes that crossed thy road, I wished to solidify my power as the fallen one. The one which was defeated and died only to slowly rise like the Phoenix from the ashes tossed into emptiness in the face of the crimson moon which draped the satisfaction that I succumbed to my injuries. Little did they blink to know that the story wasn’t over because I did not die. The grave was blank and I was free.
Stronger than I ever was, this time I knew my enemies.
~excerpt from the book I’ll never write.

Until the Levee

My psyche was diverse to fit in the pages

Every time I write some lines, I feel something missing

the days are sunken and empty but that’s not what I’m reminiscing

how do I come out the surface & save my soul?

no words can explain how broken I’m to the core

The blazing Sun shines everyday, light meets the pool

I’m underwater, the creases of life turning me old

light is what I dont wanna touch, my hands frozen and my heart is cold

not wanting to heal, I stop to unfollow the rules of hope

maybe I know how to swim but little do I try to float

the birds I see are heading somewhere

after the sunset, everyone knows where to go

I’d rather live in shadows than find a place to call my home.

the water is drowning my senses,

would it be easier if I try not to escape?

ounces of tears sink me deeper than the depth

my breath slowly starts to fade, I know I’m closer to death.

my lungs start exploding, a part of me wants to be saved

The Sun goes down, I know my soul needs to rest.

I dont try to swim, I give up to my doomed end

but if death was all I wished for

why am I still holding my breath?

The Climb

The path to the top is tougher than I thought,

the chains which clasp my knees are stronger than they seem

people I knew who would always stand by me

surprise me everytime when I look back

my shadow is the only friend who never bestowed a pact.

lights grow dim, silence is the only noise I hear

where am I headed? Is it too far or somewhere near?

one more step, I think

I see my dreams fading with each blink.

Same old love

Winter stuck to my soul, spring never arrived and I knew I had lost you.

Once again the heart breaks,

leaving colossal tears down the eyes, barren land in my chest.

as a wanderer, I keep searching for a home, bruises on my body

discovering monsters that dwell on the ocean of love, haunting the river bed

this one too failed, the summer was short lived

winter arrived, unwanted and swift, I knew again…

this one too failed.

a thousand miles I have walked alone, no heartbreak did stop me before

giving the courage to strangers to hurt me much more.

fake promised & vows of eternity weren’t new,

men left my place, my colours were of diverse hues.

they’d say I found a unique part of myself everytime they left

but my soul is tired now,

dont we all want someone to love us evermore?

this heartbreak sealed the door to my happiness,

cursed as I felt, I did not want to begin again.

as each day passed, I curled into a shell

not wanting to feel something, I decided to let feelings reflect

I dont know if I’d survive again, but something’s for sure

I’m scared to be whole this time,

to only be shattered into pieces by the one I thought was mine.

Etiquette

I was invited to the dining and the people were enlisted,

No one spoke a word, the dinner was served

faces were familiar, the cologne of men I knew

some who had broken my heart and some had broken my trust

women too; dressed in sapphires and rubies and emeralds to their taste

did nothing but stare, trying to conceal their wicked heart with the jewels displayed

the silver spoon struck the empty plates, no food that was stewed

Why were we all seated for? Why no one was asking for more?

that girl in the red gown had a face like the forgotten moon

and although she was my sister, she never uttered a word for my ear

she was a friend I thought, by blood even miles more

but the look on her face told me, our story was rusted and old.

my mother too was found whispering something to one of her mates

she never noticed my presence or was she too busy appeasing other guests

her behaviour didn’t take me aback for she had hurt me a million times before

and over the years I had learnt, not to expect from someone you barely recognised anymore

the one I called lover was late for the supper,

maybe he thought it was me who hosted this dinner

Not to lie but I thought he would not fail me this time

but who knows how foolish I was to have tried to live a love that was just his “next one”

how stupid we are when we try to dodge a bullet with our scarred hands

rather than taking time to find a place for ourselves we give away that little of us, left.

Many others were seen; the ones I once called friends

those who never called after what they wanted was given.

Amidst the crowd that was known to me, I drank the wine in silence

afraid to indulge in relationships which were already forsaken

the fear of being alone didn’t scare me today

I had already lost everything but found myself

so I smiled and looked at the others at the table

all these years and we’re still here,

pretending like a pack of wolves to be never defeated

despising each other and yet enduring for we love to follow the etiquettes.

Dimsums in small town!

Hello, dark darlings! Amidst all the melancholy I bestow on my poetry, I did plan to go out for a small holiday with my family. In between the hilly regions and the attire of green meadows, Malbazar is situated few kilometres away from Shiliguri. Being a big city person I always wanted to feel what it truly feels to enjoy the serenity of a calm town inhabited by just thousands. Its been two days here and being potato couch I didn’t get to enjoy a lot of the outside delicacies since I can’t get over the dimsums these people make.

The tiny shops located around the corners do bring out the biggest smile across my face and although the simplicity of the town can make party lovers bored, the simplicity of the place makes me feel like home. Today evening was the day when we decided to head out to a shop which has the best dumplings in town.

The best dumpling shop in town; 💕

Like you can already see the shop isn’t a big lavish hang out place you would generally pick up but I feel pity if you didn’t! This is a neat, tidy location with excellent dimsums, thuppa and much more. We ordered chicken momos, veg momos, veg thuppa and egg thuppa.

Chicken dimsums; hot and sizzling

The momos are tenderly soft, the spices mixed proportionately well with ample amount of chicken shreds inside and ready to be gobbled up hot! The thuppa is no less and deserves equal appreciation; noodles dabbed in a thick soup with pieces of cucumber, fried eggs, chilli, onion slices and black pepper. The taste of momos and thuppa is better when you eat it while it is hot for the chilly winter outside does make it vulnerable to the temperature. The price is reasonable enough and not to mention the excellent hospitality we received. That’s the beauty of small town people, their kindness and compassion will move you to realise that good people do exist on the earth to maintain its angel-devil balance.

Their small kitchen; yeah that guy is cute! 😂

You can reach this place by reaching the Caltex road and walking further straight for fifteen minutes or taking an auto rickshaw to the Gurjangjhora stop, NH 31, Malbazar. This shop is situated towards the left corner with fairy lights outside their front window. You can also get Darjeeling tea, Maggi noodles and omelettes at this stop. Indeed my evening was as great as I tried to pour out the excitement here. The beautiful town does help me in driving my frustration and paranoia away, hell yeah! Holidays are so important. Why don’t you head out today to some unknown place and tell me what you feel when you feel the call of the wild? what does the wind tell you when it witnesses you breaking out of your shell and embracing the wanderlust version of yourself? What does it insinuate to chase the Sun?

~Photographs by my cute sister (who is also my best friend)

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